(One must read the Westminster Shorter Catechism
to better appreciate the satirical humor in this article)
Q. What is the chief end of man?
A. Why do you say man? Aren't women included?
Q. What is the chief end of humankind?
A. I dunno. To just do it.
Q. What rule has God given that we may glorify and enjoy Him?
A. Rules? Is this one of those legalistic churches?
Q. What do the Scriptures principally teach?
A. The Scriptures principally teach that we must learn to love and accept ourselves.
Q. What is God?
A. Were you under the impression that I wanted to go to seminary?
Q. Are there more gods than one?
A. I suppose not. At least not in our denomination.
Q. How many persons are there in the Godhead?
A. What are you talking about?
Q. What are the decrees of God?
A. You mean like predestination and all that?
A. I think that God wants us to be free. He knows everything, of course, but He still gave us free will. I couldn't worship a God who didn't do that.
Q. How does God execute His decrees?
A. Do you have to call them decrees?
Q. How does God work out His will?
A. Well, He looks down the corridors of time and sees what is happening and that is what He wanted anyways.
Q. What is the work of creation?
A. The work of creation is what happened back at the start of everything.
Q. How did God create man?
A. I heard a guest lecturer at our church say one time that there really isn't any conflict between the Bible and modern science.
Q. Fine. How did God create man?
A. Each day in Genesis could really have been millions of years. That means that evolution could just have been God's way of creating us.
Q. What are God's works of providence?
A. I think providence is when God looks down on us and sort of watches what we do. If we look like we are going to really get into trouble, He can help out. If we pray really hard.
Q. What is sin?
A. Sin is the lack of self-esteem.
Q. Did all mankind fall in Adam's first transgression?
A. No. Why would that happen?
Q. How are we made partakers of the redemption purchased by Christ?
A. We are made partakers of His redemption when we ask Him into our hearts.
Q. What is justification?
A. Justification is when we ask Jesus into our hearts too.
Q. What is sanctification?
A. Sanctification is trying to learn to love yourself so that you can try to love others.
Q. What is the sum of the ten commandments?
A. The sum of the ten commandments is what the Jews had to do in the Old Testament. But we're under grace, not law.
Q. What is required in the first commandment?
A. No other gods. Each religion has to worship its own god in its own way.
Q. What is required in the second commandment?
A. Um . . . I think that's the one about graven images. The Jews really hated graven images. I learned that from the Jesus movie.
Q. What is required in the third commandment?
A. Not to cuss.
Q. What is required in the fourth commandment?
A. What was the fourth commandment again?
A. That's the one about going to church.
Q. What is required in the fifth commandment?
A. Can I look at this sheet here?
A. Okay. Parents. The fifth commandment says that we should love our parents and try to forgive them for how they brought us up. Even though mine didn't give me the support that every child has a right to.
Q. What is required in the sixth commandment?
A. Don't kill people.
Q. What is required in the seventh commandment?
A. Not to have sex with another woman until after the divorce is final. And it is probably best not to be in the same church with your ex.
Q. What is required in the eighth commandment?
A. Don't take things home from the office. Or, at least no more than everybody else.
Q. What is required in the ninth commandment?
A. Not to tell lies. But everybody does.
Q. What is required in the tenth commandment?
A. Don't read catalogs so much that you wind up charging over your credit card limit. At least, that's what works for me.Source:
Douglas Wilson, A Modern Evangelical Shorter Catechism
, Credenda Agenda